It was a new morning, a new day, and a very new myself. A morning when I didn’t wake up with tears on my pillow. I saw a dream, a dream that I cannot share and a dream that I dont think is going to turn to reality this time. I felt normal. My dreams had been haunting me for past several months and had been turning into reality. This one seemed like it wont. Guess I do have a very strong intuition.
A very close friend of mine told me that she got indifferent when she was in my shoes a few months ago. Guess I have become the same. I had always been the follower of my heart and I am not going to change that. I suffered pain, I suffered humiliation, abandonment all on my own, just because of this heart. Today I feel no pain, I feel no regrets. I gave it all. It was never meant to be mine. May be life has something better in store for me. In my heart it was the best. They will say that your heart doesn’t know it yet. I will tell them they dont know my heart. I sincerely wish him the best of all the future, may no misery ever harm him. He betrayed me and was not loyal to me but I was loyal. I loved him unconditionally, how can I possibly wish him any harm. If he is happy without me, then I am happy for him. I would probably never want to see that though because it will hurt me a lot. I am not going to run away from anything.
I know he will knock at my door some day. I am not waiting for that day. One day when he will understand my love. It may be too late by then but at the least, I will proudly say that I taught someone the meaning of true love, a love that was unconditional. A love that I didn’t even realise I had in me. May be it was in there for so long that it erupted like a volcano and even though it was love but eruptions always cause damage. They say exaggeration of anything is bad, may be my love was way too much for both of us that it was bad for both of us. I still don’t understand why he did what he did. I still not understand how can anyone do what he did. But now I am at peace. Peace with myself. Peace with the life. A life that now I have to live by myself, loving myself and those who will give me respect and cherish me for what I am.
In this new day, I will only be thankful to all those who stood by my side in the time of my need, even though they didn’t have to. In this new day I promise myself that I will also stand by them who are abandoned by the world. Because I know the pain of it. I know how it feels. I know how it can shatter us into pieces, and if we are lucky enough to survive the tremors, it may change us and most likely incline us towards a bad path. Not everyone might be strong enough to go through it, I don’t know how I did it. The oldest saying seems so true; What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.
They always say; you need to love yourself and only then can you love someone else. I don’t know the meaning of that. I just know one love and that is that you can truly love someone else when you stop loving yourself. May be it is a mistake in today’s world. May be I am wrong. May be those whom I loved selflessly did not deserve that love or did not know how to reciprocate.
Am I ready to make that mistake again? Am I strong enough to make that mistake again? I would definitely love to. Why? Because I don’t know of any other love.
But I don’t think I am ready, yet! So may be I should love myself till then? But I don’t know how to…